Saturday, January 24, 2009

Film Reviews pt. 1

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! America is caught up in the grips of Marley Fever! Everyone is barking- er, I mean talking about Marley & Me, the new film from Regency 20th Century Fox! I don't know if it's that adorable Golden Retriever, the ingenious tagline "Heel the Love", or the dream team of Owen Wilson and "America's Sweetheart" Jennifer Aniston, but people can't get enough "Marley". The film, which is based on the life-changing book by Zora Neale Hurston, is one of the biggets hits in recent memory. The lines at the theaters are around the block, and critics agree- dozens have chosen "Marley & Me" as "The Best Film of All Time". Film critic and notable pederast Richard Roper has been especially zealous, having been quoted "If you don't go see 'Marley & Me', I will flay and eat an actual, living Golden Retriever puppy".

But what really has the nation slobbering over Marley? One proven fact is that white people love Golden Retrievers. They are just so blond, so mediocre, overfed and suburban that white people can't help but feel affinity with them. They take them into their homes and invite them into their families, often naming their Golden Retrievers as "honorary Godparents" of their children. In California this status allows dogs to sometimes gain full custody of human children in divorce cases. It only follows, then, that a film about a Golden Retriever would be a big hit with white audiences. Black film-goers, though, have stayed away from the film in droves, many of them reporting that they felt "scared" of the "dog". The fact that Black audiences are made uneasy by dog movies is a proven fact, as well. Not one Tyler Perry film has revolved around any type of dog-- or swimming.

If you don't already know, "Marley & Me" stars Owen Wilson, who plays a reporter for a Los Angeles newspaper, who meets Jennifer Aniston, who is working as a dance instructor in Oakland. They fall in love and have long, romantic conversations about their hope to one day raise a Golden Retriever of their own. Into their lives walks Adrian Brody, an unscrupulous puppy mill owner who offers them an unseemly proposition. I won't go into details, put the happy result is they end up with a bouncing Golden Retriever puppy!

They name him "Marley", after a trip to Jamaica opens their minds to the teachings of Rastafarianism. But there's just one problem: Marley is just so fucking bad! I mean, I've seen some bad dogs, but this one takes the cake. I mean, if you've seen the movie "Clifford", you know how bad dogs can get, and how red it can make Charles Grodin's face, but this Marley, he's even worse than that! He just keeps running away and eating whatever he's not supposed to. Owen Wilson keeps chasing and chasing him, but he never catches up (as least this is what I've pieced together from watching the trailer with the sound off).

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston gets totes fed up and she's like, "It's Marley or me!" (which i thought should have been the film's title), so Owen Wilson decides to drown little Marley. He holds the squirming pup under the water for minutes, but just before brain death sets in, he decides that he can't do it.
So, Aniston leaves him and we are treated to an extended "lonely depression" montage, complete with Marley sifting through the garbage that piles up on the living room floor as Wilson sits on the couch listlessly, and, in a strange post-modern aside, a re-enactment of Wilson's previous real-life suicide attempt, which is averted this time when Marley somehow learns to dial a phone and calls 911.

Poor Owen is at the end of his rope, lying in a hospital bed, when the spirit of Bob Marley appears to him. "Herb is the healing of the nation", the mixed-race, Obama-like prophet intones, "If the dog him bless de chalice, den everyting be irie, mon." Then Bob disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Inspired, Wilson calls his old buddy Mathew Mcconaughey, who immediately jumps in his El Camino and races up from Austin with a big bag of Sour Diesel Kind Buds and two highschool girls. They get a vaporizer and spend the next 12 hours blowing smoke into Marley's ears, eyes and even anus. As the dog's THC levels build up he becomes more and more mellow. Pretty soon the dog is totally irie and spreading a cool island vibe. Aniston comes back and they all skank in an extended reggae dance party scene in which Marley is seen wearing dark shades and fake dreads.

Eventually, Marley teaches all the world to feel the "cool runnings" and spreads Bob Marley's message. Obama makes the dog an honorary secretary of "Roots and Culture", although he still wont let him in the White House because he's scared of getting bit. In an article for the L.A. Times, Wilson exposes Adrian Brody as the immoral pervert that he is, and Brody is raped in prison. Wilson and Aniston get married, agreeing on the surname "Wiliston". They have their own human child who they name "Marley 2" (sequel, anyone?), and they make him live in the backyard. Marley 1 is named "honorary Godfather" of the child, and he eventually wins custody of it when Jenn and Owen file for divorce. Jenn goes back to Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson crashes their wedding. Oh wait-- I forgot to write SPOILER ALERT!!!! LOLZZ


  1. WHAT OH NOOOOOO! Does he come back as a Zombiedog? Maybe their saving that for da sequel!