BISON!

I saw my friend Uproot Andy DJ the other night at his party Que Bajo?!, which is normally in Brooklyn but had moved to a booshy lounge in the meat packing district for the night. The swank environs didn't hurt the vibe, though, Andy was killing it with his new original productions- Cumbia, Dubstep, Merengue, Kuduro, Bassline, you don't know what the hell you are listening to from track to track, or what continent it is from, but you do know that it is banging. He's got new wax out with Bersas Discos, the SF based Cumbia collective. Here are some tracks:
Uproot Andy- La Vida Vale la Pena
Alborosie- Kingston Town (Uproot Andy Remix)
Anyway, as always, his draw was boys and girls of every shade and nationality- Mexican guys dancing with Eastern European girls, African guys dancing with Columbian girls, white girls dancing with each other.
I was there with some friends from the cape, including Gabe, who had come weraing a furry bison hat with horns. We decided early on that his name for the rest of the night would be "Bison" and that he would be "a professional wingman" (much like Matador on the Pick-Up Artist 2 on VH1). When we got in the club, I stared whispering to girls "Don't make a big deal out of it, but.. Bison is here tonight."
"What?"
"Bison is in the Building."
One girl said "Do you mean Tyson, the male model?"
"No, Bison! He wears a Bison hat."
Pretty soon Gabe was surrounded by girls on the floor, doing some kind of stomping, simulated goring dance to the Cumbia jams. Not only did he pull numbers off one of the cutest girl in the room, a dark haired Eastern-European named, like, Svetlina or something, but when we left the bouncer said "Good night, Bison".
We spilled out of the street, suddenly now joined by two black girls from L.A. This being the meat packing district, there was a gold digger/trophy wife club next door with limos waiting out front. As we went to get a cab, a limo driver came up and was like "How many you got, 9? I'll take you for 3 dollars a head." So, we ended up in the back of stretch white limo, rolling through Manhattan with "Live Your Life" by T.I. bumping on the radio. I wondered if we were the first to arrive at Lit at 2AM in a limo. Anyway much dancing to shitty hipster DJs ensued, and purposeful cigarette smoking in the back room with affluent European teenagers.
Afterwards on the street, this douchey Italian fashionisto came up wearing a jacket made of shiny black polyvinyl. He was making the mistake of talking to our L.A. girls and not engaging us, which Mystery from VH1's great show The Pick Up Artist 2 will tell you is a big no-no. Drunk, I said "What a gigolo! Hey, is that jacket made from real trash bags?" Everyone laughed and he looked as though I had just raped his mother. He grabbed my lapels and shouted "This jacket cost 900 dollars! You could never afford this jacket!" and then slunk away, probably to a chauffeured Mazarati. Then we got Shwarma.

Day at the Met, NYC

<-getting close to chuck. <-these are paintings.
<-Alain was trying to holler at the Burgher of Calais.

Michelle Williams: Hot Widow

Is it just me or does Michelle Williams' status as a beloved widow just make her all the hotter? I just want to hire her a babysitter, give her a gram of pure MDMA, put on a song like this:
Roland Clark and The Montanas - Music Talking (Fred Falke Remix)
and get her to turn that frown upside down!

Comer, Rezar, Amar y Morir en un Incendio

Starting tommorow I'll be in D.F. Cuidad de Mexico, and while there I'm going to be in talks with Televisa, Mexico's largest television network about adapting my still unpublished debut novel "Eat, Pray, Love & Die in a Fire" into a nationally broadcast telenovella! "Comer, Rezar, Amar y Morir en un Fuego" will be a terse melodrama set in far off corners of the globe. The production company has already sent out a casting call for "Arabes y Chinos" to be extras on the exotic-looking sets they are having built outside the city. Initially I had some concerns that the production values of a typical telenovella wouldn't be high enough to recreate the titular immolation realistically, but the studio heads have guaranteed me "Un chingo de dinero" for CGI visual effects. I'd love to see a high powered starlet like Cecilia Cruz in the lead role of "the seeker" but we'll probably end up with some second-rate has-been like Chi-Chi Lopez or Miranda Posole. Tentatively, they are slotting the show in between "Sin Senos no hay Paradiso" and "Que Hiciste con mi Hijo?!". If we can work out the distribution rights, we may get syndication in the U.S. on Univision, so keep an eye out! That's all for now, I've got a big meeting and "desayuno de coca" with the network suits in the morning.

Marley & He

OMG Tommy met a real-life Marley!

International Hustling

Name Dropping Post

Friday night was a big night for me in NYC. First I met Harry from Almost Ready Records at a show in Bushwick- Vivian Girls, Fucked Up and Pissed Jeans. These were the "name" bands, but the big surprise for me was Gavin McInnes from VICE Magazine opening the show as the frontman for an 80s hardcore cover band! He was all decked out in studs and spikes and speaking between songs only in broken Quebecois French, saying things like "Tabarnack! Obama es une Arabe!". They even had a slutty-looking French Canadian girl holding up cue cards with the lyrics to the songs like "Victim in Pain" and "Six Pack", so the kids could sing along. They played all the classics and basically did them justice.
Afterwards I got to talk with McInnes, and he asked me if I knew the song "Coup D'etat". He was appaled that none of the kids there had seemed to know it. "Haven't they seen Repo Man?" he asked. I got a chance to tell him that I really liked the comic he did about visiting squats in Europe that he had found out about through the back pages of Maximum Rock'n'Roll. (haha this drunk-ass photo is his top hit on google images)

Also there was Trace Crutchfield, the impossibly white-looking host of VBS TV's Music World. I talked to him about this amazing episode he made about Houston Rap and Syrup- Screwed in Houston (Part 3 is a must-watch, where he gets fucked-up on Lean and then goes "Lets get up on some weed."). Basically I was kissing a lot of journalistic ass, but I guess that's better than kissing the ass of, like, MGMT or something. (I was kind of like this homie in the photo)

The music was good, too. Vivian Girls play an anachronistic, fuzzy kind of freak pop which sounds like the music on old French compilation records that Matt Groening probably hoardes in his basement. Pissed Jeans were way better than I thought a hyped-up hipster punk band could be. It reminded me of Black Flag and Black Sabbath, which is the exact same cocktail that Eyehategod always said defined their sound. While Pissed Jeans didn't sound nearly as bleak or drone-y as Eyehatehod, they had the same kind of bluesy undertone to their distorted thrashing. Fucked Up I was not too crazy about. It sounds as if they have progressed musically good and far from the fat-guy hardcore band they must have started as, but they have not gotten rid of the bearded, ranting screamer frontman that defines that genre. So while the guitars are doing cool boogaloo runs and even Velvet Underground-like hypnotic psych parts, the vocals don't move past the mosh pit. I guess if you are 20 and grew up on Converge, this band sounds like the messiah, but not so much for me.

I left that show a bit early to make it to Plan B in Manhattan for a Scion-sponsored party featuring The Rub and U-tern that started at midnight and featured like 7 DJs. U-tern is my choice for artist to watch in the coming year. He's a Canadian DJ and producer who focuses on 80s funk and electro-boogie. A few of his groovy, synth-heavy tracks and remixes are making the rounds online, and the mixes from his show "One Day Later" on Brooklyn radio sometimes approach the level of masterpiece.

Consider the mix Love Lost, which is one of the greatest "Break-Up/I Want u Back" mixtapes ever! About halfway through there is a moment of sonic beauty in which what sounds like a crying robot intones "Please, tell me, when did things start to change?" over a mellow electro-funk beat. This refrain had become a sort of mantra for me in my more emo moments of the past few months. I asked U-tern about this part and he told me that it was a one-off throwaway track that he made just for the mix and didn't even plan to release! Basically, he throws away better tracks than most producers are flogging on Beatport right now.

It was another ass-kissing session for me, as I got to gush to U-tern and meet Drop the Lime, the legendary breakcore-turned-heavy bass artist. If you don't know, watch this video for his song Butterscotch to see the level of originality, creativity and unabashed dorkiness he brings to the scene. He is also the author of an amazing quote about LCD Soundsystem's authenticity in the NY club scene: "I don't know what James Murphy is talking about. I mean I came up as a raver. James Murphy was a Skanking Pickle fan".

I nearly blacked-out on the train home and then ended up eating pancakes at 7 am by myself in a Mexican diner, speaking in broken Spanish with the waitresses. NYC, baby!

Ok, now I'm done name-dropping and I'll go back to just making fun of things.

Splendid Moments 2008

This mellow mix from Pandemonium Jones (of Caps & Jones), is a grower! As DSJ on the Hollerboard said "I know it's underwater hippie folk, but I can't stop listening to it!"

Download

I especially like from track 10 to track 15. Hercules and Love Affair "Blind (Frankie Knuckles Remix)" is the requisite track on virtually every "best of 2008" mix I've heard, but many selectors are having a hard time find a follow-up jam to match it's energy. The way that Jones drops the new Damon Alburn-produced Miriam et Amadou single "Sabali" over an extended outro of "Blind" actually brings up the energy level, but he quickly extinguishes that with the lonely sound of Bon Iver. I might go so far as to call it... splendid.

01. Soy Un Caballo - Robin
02. SALEM - Streets Of Philadelphia
03. Kanye West - Say You Will
04. Fleet Foxes - Blue Ridge Mountains
05. Black Mountain - Wucan
06. Portishead - Magic Doors
07. No Age - Eraser
08. Atlas Sound - On Guard
09. Animal Collective - Cobwebs
10. Hot Chip - We're Looking For A Lot Of Love
11. Nico - I'll Keep It With Mine (Pocketknife's Odd Beauty Remix)
12. Cut Copy - Strangers In The Wind
13. Hercules & Love Affair - Blind (Frankie Knuckles Remix)
14. Amadou & Miriam - Sabali
15. Bon Iver - Lump Sum
16. Benoit Pioulard - Idyll
17. Wolf Parade - Language City
18. Deerhunter - Nothing Ever Happened
19. M83 - Graveyard Girl
20. Beach House - Gila
21. Fennesz - Grey Scale
22. Grouper - Heavy Water/I'd Rather Be Sleeping
23. Mount Eerie With Julie Doiron - Voice In Headphones

Film Reviews pt. 1

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! America is caught up in the grips of Marley Fever! Everyone is barking- er, I mean talking about Marley & Me, the new film from Regency 20th Century Fox! I don't know if it's that adorable Golden Retriever, the ingenious tagline "Heel the Love", or the dream team of Owen Wilson and "America's Sweetheart" Jennifer Aniston, but people can't get enough "Marley". The film, which is based on the life-changing book by Zora Neale Hurston, is one of the biggets hits in recent memory. The lines at the theaters are around the block, and critics agree- dozens have chosen "Marley & Me" as "The Best Film of All Time". Film critic and notable pederast Richard Roper has been especially zealous, having been quoted "If you don't go see 'Marley & Me', I will flay and eat an actual, living Golden Retriever puppy".

But what really has the nation slobbering over Marley? One proven fact is that white people love Golden Retrievers. They are just so blond, so mediocre, overfed and suburban that white people can't help but feel affinity with them. They take them into their homes and invite them into their families, often naming their Golden Retrievers as "honorary Godparents" of their children. In California this status allows dogs to sometimes gain full custody of human children in divorce cases. It only follows, then, that a film about a Golden Retriever would be a big hit with white audiences. Black film-goers, though, have stayed away from the film in droves, many of them reporting that they felt "scared" of the "dog". The fact that Black audiences are made uneasy by dog movies is a proven fact, as well. Not one Tyler Perry film has revolved around any type of dog-- or swimming.

If you don't already know, "Marley & Me" stars Owen Wilson, who plays a reporter for a Los Angeles newspaper, who meets Jennifer Aniston, who is working as a dance instructor in Oakland. They fall in love and have long, romantic conversations about their hope to one day raise a Golden Retriever of their own. Into their lives walks Adrian Brody, an unscrupulous puppy mill owner who offers them an unseemly proposition. I won't go into details, put the happy result is they end up with a bouncing Golden Retriever puppy!

They name him "Marley", after a trip to Jamaica opens their minds to the teachings of Rastafarianism. But there's just one problem: Marley is just so fucking bad! I mean, I've seen some bad dogs, but this one takes the cake. I mean, if you've seen the movie "Clifford", you know how bad dogs can get, and how red it can make Charles Grodin's face, but this Marley, he's even worse than that! He just keeps running away and eating whatever he's not supposed to. Owen Wilson keeps chasing and chasing him, but he never catches up (as least this is what I've pieced together from watching the trailer with the sound off).

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston gets totes fed up and she's like, "It's Marley or me!" (which i thought should have been the film's title), so Owen Wilson decides to drown little Marley. He holds the squirming pup under the water for minutes, but just before brain death sets in, he decides that he can't do it.
So, Aniston leaves him and we are treated to an extended "lonely depression" montage, complete with Marley sifting through the garbage that piles up on the living room floor as Wilson sits on the couch listlessly, and, in a strange post-modern aside, a re-enactment of Wilson's previous real-life suicide attempt, which is averted this time when Marley somehow learns to dial a phone and calls 911.

Poor Owen is at the end of his rope, lying in a hospital bed, when the spirit of Bob Marley appears to him. "Herb is the healing of the nation", the mixed-race, Obama-like prophet intones, "If the dog him bless de chalice, den everyting be irie, mon." Then Bob disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Inspired, Wilson calls his old buddy Mathew Mcconaughey, who immediately jumps in his El Camino and races up from Austin with a big bag of Sour Diesel Kind Buds and two highschool girls. They get a vaporizer and spend the next 12 hours blowing smoke into Marley's ears, eyes and even anus. As the dog's THC levels build up he becomes more and more mellow. Pretty soon the dog is totally irie and spreading a cool island vibe. Aniston comes back and they all skank in an extended reggae dance party scene in which Marley is seen wearing dark shades and fake dreads.

Eventually, Marley teaches all the world to feel the "cool runnings" and spreads Bob Marley's message. Obama makes the dog an honorary secretary of "Roots and Culture", although he still wont let him in the White House because he's scared of getting bit. In an article for the L.A. Times, Wilson exposes Adrian Brody as the immoral pervert that he is, and Brody is raped in prison. Wilson and Aniston get married, agreeing on the surname "Wiliston". They have their own human child who they name "Marley 2" (sequel, anyone?), and they make him live in the backyard. Marley 1 is named "honorary Godfather" of the child, and he eventually wins custody of it when Jenn and Owen file for divorce. Jenn goes back to Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson crashes their wedding. Oh wait-- I forgot to write SPOILER ALERT!!!! LOLZZ

The Day After the Innauguartion

I was getting a hot dog in park slope on the day after the innauguration (Willie's Dawgs 351 5th Ave, really good sauerkraut), and overheard a pale, unkempt shut-in talking to his buddy, a black guy who was running the grill. As he was lingering by the door, about to leave, he spun around and said "Listen to this one: I'm going over to see if the Chinese guys are selling a bootleg DVD of the Obama inauguration yet. '5 Dollah! 5 Dollah! Obama!', ya know, HA! Cause that's when you truly know that you've elected your first Black President- when they release the innaguration on bootleg DVD!", and he walked out like he had just absolutely nailed his big closing line.

I would have made him a paid guest commentator on Animal Blanco, on the spot, just for making that very precient observation.

Mexican Dessert Night

The other night I got a craving for cake at like 11 pm. Chris said there was no way we could find cake at that hour, but I was like, "Dude, this is Little Mexico, of course
we can get some cake."
We walked up by Sunset Park and lo and behold we found a Mexican bakery which specialized in Tres Leches Cake!




















This thing was out of control, it must have weighed over a pound and it was swimming in one kind of the three leches.
The cake part was really good, but honestly I couldn't handle the jellied pineapple, marachino jelly, sprinkles, lard-based frosting and cool whip. I only made it through half of it.


But this cheesecake was a surprise winner. The bottom half was marbled with undercooked cookie dough and the top was covered in the kind of shiny chocolate topping you get on an eclair. It was quite banging.

Chris and Emerson, Adventures in Retail pt. 2

Beer break. We went to a bar on St. Marks run by this French guy who kept giving us free drinks because Chris was showing him apps. to download for Windows mobile. We watched the inauguration coverage and talked with the Bartender, a little Russian dumpling who looked like she had just stepped out of the encyclopedia entry "Bar Wench".
Chris, being a Peruvian Indian, usually doesn't touch "fire water", but I got him to have a few pints. Here we are at the Vegan Bakery on St. Marks, where Chris was buying some inedible vegan treat. Drunk at 3 Pm.

Kid Robot was closed by the time we got there, so instead..
...we went to Upper Playground next door
There, the urban design world's asinine obsession with guns grimly marches on.




Then we hit up Toy Tokyo, which has almost the exact atmosphere of a sex shop, but the fetish indulged there is toys.

Some of this stuff, when taken out of the context of the Japanese collectible market, is so WTF-inducing it's hard to comprehend. A Sex Pistols themed plastic bear?!

Is that a silver Teen Wolf/Ultraman mashup doll?... of course it is.


And he's my choice for best consumer good of our whole excursion...

Chris and Emerson, Adventures in Retail pt. 1

Chris and I spent the day in Manhattan checking out our favorite stores but not buying anything. I would just take photos until they would kick us out.

Supreme's main store on Lafayette is closed for renovations, but they are operating out of a warehouse space in the alley behind it. You go through an unmarked door with a bouncer like it's a stash house. I hope this doesn't prevent any Japanese kids from getting their overpriced skate gear!
The winter collection @ Uniqlo on Broadway is kind of killing it!

@ Muji, the Japanese design store, this is how the T-shirts come.
Turntable Lab. We saw Sammy Bananas coming out as we were walking in.




A fucking Heart (the band) themed detailed van design!!!

Kid Robot was sweet, their staff is all mixed-race teenagers and they were bumping Usher.


Obama graff art. This was inauguration day after all.
@ The Mac store. This place is eerily similar to a temple for the cult of Mac. They even have a theatre area where they play their indocrination movies like the Scientologists.

They had the "Beats by Dr. Dre" headphones: 300 bux but they are sooo nice.



Misadventures. To be continued...